Sorry for not being around for some time.
I came over with the hope that my mind would clear of clouded vision and I’d see my life in a better light. My mind is clear, most definitely. But this clarity has made me realise my life is a mess. Its so discerning and demotivating. I feel myself trying to create self pity, for example when I get back home, it feels like I don’t want to see anyone, I just want shut myself out.
There’s so much I feel frustrated with myself for and I’m at the point where I’m ready to give up. But that’s not me and I know I can work my way through this. Its a part of my life I just need to embrace. It worries me that I’ve wished to die and be relieved of pain and stress recently, not from suicide, I could never do that.
Its been awesome getting away and having a holiday and feeling the present moment, but towards the end of this trip, what’s left of my ego has crept through and given my mind a kick saying “hey look at your future for a second”.
I’m just done with all my fucking stupid choices. It feels like I need to restart everything, but I know this is a wound that will heal and build my character.
Oh well, onward and upward, embrace the race, eh?